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The Bed of Nails
"The Bed of Nails" is the nineteenth episode of the BBC comedy series Yes Minister, first broadcast 9 December 1982, in which Jim Hacker unwisely accepts the role of 'Transport Supremo' with a view to developing an 'Integrated Transport' policy for the UK. It soon becomes apparent that opposition from various transport interests, the unions and significant also from within the Department for Transport will make implementation impossible and the policy is promptly ditched following a number of carefully calculated 'leaks'. The episode has been credited with introducing the phrase 'Integrated Transport', which is now widely used within UK transport policy circles and also for describing with some accuracy the dynamics operating within the Department for Transport. Plot The Prime Minister's special advisor, Sir Mark Spencer, meets with the Cabinet Secretary, Sir Arnold Robinson, in 10 Downing Street. The Prime Minister wants an Integrated Transport Policy, the implementation of which would be a political minefield. It would be popular with the public but an overall vote loser for whoever attempted to implement it. The role had already been declined by the Secretary of State for Transport and in addition, the civil service did not want it to succeed. They therefore propose to create "lots of activity but no actual achievement" and conclude that Jim Hacker is the person to achieve this for them. Recognising that Hacker's Permanent Secretary, Sir Humphrey Appleby would advise against him accepting the role they bring Hacker in and flatter him with a new title 'Transport Supremo', describing the post as 'an honour' and highlighting all the positive aspects. They outline the PMs aspirations for rationalisation of the road and railway networks to avoid duplication, for a new link should be created between Heathrow airport and the Great Western main line, better coordination between the railways and bus services with a single ticket that can be used on both mainline rail and the London Underground and also for combined bus and railway timetables to be published with bus time available within railway stations. They decline to mention any of the problems and pressure him to agree immediately which he does. Hacker goes back to his office to tell Sir Humphrey and Bernard the good news. Sir Humphrey then outlines the many disadvantages of this new role which, it turns out, has been circulating Whitehall for months. He explains that if a policy favours one sector then it will also infuriate all of the others. If it favours the road service then the Rail Board and unions 'will scream'; if it supports the railways then the Road lobby will 'massacre him' and if it upsets British Airways plans then 'they will call a press conference the same afternoon'. Sir Humphrey proposes to illustrate this by arranging a meeting for the Minister with three under-secretaries, from the roads division, the rail division and air transport division. At the meeting it is soon clear that there is little scope for agreement until Hacker tells them that he wants to reduce the overall transport budget when there is an implied agreement by the three under-secretaries that this would be met by devastating strike action across all three transport sectors. Hacker subsequently asks Bernard why these three civil servants appeared to be fighting their own corners instead of supporting the government. The Principal Private Secretary explains that this is how the civil service works: each department is controlled by those that it is supposed to be controlling. By way of example, he explains that comprehensive education was adopted in the United Kingdom as a result of lobbying by the National Union of Teachers who were the most powerful sectional interest and had a long term close relation with the Department of Education. He then explains that this arrangement worked across all government departments. Hacker now concludes that the task is impossible and asks Sir Humphrey for advice on how to get out of the commitment. Humphrey suggests that a few "local repercussions" of the policy impacting the Prime Minister's own constituency, including local job losses and a local park being developed as a bus station would help. Humphrey then suggests that if a journalist—such as the one he's about to have lunch with—got hold of the document it would have nasty results, and that if they had circulated copies to every department then it would be difficult to track down the source of any leak that might occur. Sir Humphrey has lunch with Peter Maxwell, a journalist from The Times over which he outlines the negative implications of the policy on the constituency and then he 'accidentally' leaves a copy of Hacker's memo for the journalist to retrieve. A few days later, Hacker has been called back to Number 10, where Sir Mark Spencer informs him of the PM's displeasure after this confidential information had appeared in The Times because of a leak. Furthermore, another report has appeared in the PM's local paper, scotching rumours of any unfortunate side-effects to the policy. However, Sir Mark is adamant that the PM's office "does not leak." Hacker is asked to rethink his proposals. Sir Humphrey has already prepared a Plan B which is wildly expensive and will upset HM Treasury. The plan proposes a new 'British Transport Authority' with a staff of 80,000 and a budget of £1,000,000,000 per year. They consider leaking this as well. Bernard is worried that there would be a leak inquiry however he is reassured that such inquiries are only ever 'set up' and rarely conclude with anything substantive given that in most cases, most leaks do actually come from 10 Downing Street. As Sir Humphrey remarks, the ship of state is the only one that leaks from the top. Hacker and Sir Humphrey are brought in to discuss the matter with Sir Mark and Sir Arnold. Each side is confident that they can discover the source of the other's leak, which leads to a stalemate. They agree to send the policy back to the Ministry of Transport and conduct a leak inquiry. Cast * Paul Eddington as Jim Hacker * Nigel Hawthorne as Sir Humphrey Appleby * Derek Fowlds as Bernard Woolley * John Nettleton as Sir Arnold Robinson * Nigel Stock as Sir Mark Spencer * David Firth as Under-Secretary, Air Division * Peter Dennis as Under-Secretary, Roads Division * Robert East as Under-Secretary, Rail Division * David Rose as Peter Maxwell